Making Memories of Us
by pamhalpert
Summary: J/L "No matter how much she would contradict it later, it hadn't been nothing" Snapshots of key moments in the life and romance of James and Lily Potter.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. It all belongs to the wonderful and talented JK Rowling**

**A/N: **This is meant as a peace offering for the unbelievable length of time that I make you wait for updates of _Our Moments_ (unless of course you've just run across this, in which case, disregard that comment). Anyway, this has been an idea that's been floating around in my head for the better part of 3 years. It will be 5 chapters of snapshots. This one has 5, the next 4, the next 3, etc., etc.

Thanks to my wonderful, talented and brilliant beta **teenage-witch94 **who made this story readable. She's amazing and made me question why, oh why, it took me so long to get a beta in the first place!

Enjoy and let me know what you think!

**Chapter One: 5 Times James Kissed Lily**

I.

Lily sighed and angrily scratched out another sentence of her Charms essay. She scanned the book that was open in front of her without really taking any of the content in. She couldn't focus, there were too many other things were flying through her mind, each begging for her undivided attention. O.W.L.s were in two weeks and while she was putting on a brave face and acting like she wasn't anxious at all, in reality her stomach was constantly in knots. And not the normal knots like when you got an answer wrong in Transfiguration and McGonagall glared at you like she was wishing you'd drop dead in your seat so that she'd never have to listen to you dare to answer with something so idiotic ever again. And not like the knots that you get whenever you run head first into _gorgeous_ Ravenclaw Marco Aurelius in the corridor and he grips your upper arms to steady you with those strong hands and then shoots you a grin while you're staring into those implausibly stunning dark blue eyes before he makes some adorably cute remark about hoping to "run into" you again soon.

No, _these_ knots are like the ones that make you feel like crumpling to the ground in pain while simultaneously running to the bathroom to puke. Sometimes Lily was genuinely concerned that her ribs would crack or her lungs would deflate under the pressure.

Tonight's suffocating knots had been particularly painful and noticeable while she'd been sitting in the common room. It had been eerily quiet, the only sounds coming from a flipping book page or the scratching of a quill. The younger students had been scared into silence after one of the 7th years had yelled obscenities at a 2nd year who'd had the audacity to sneeze. Lily had barely been able to stand it. Her friend Sammie had been sitting next to her with her eyes shut tightly, mouthing Merlin only knows what in her attempt to memorize all five Charms books. Concentration had been impossible. Her legs were twitching anxiously, the abnormal stillness pressing in on her ears, the tension in the room seeming to combine together and crash upon her in wave after drowning wave.

She'd prodded Sammie whose eyes opened in alarm before her irritation at being disturbed turned into a mean and ferocious glare. Lily indicated (in hand motions, no audible sounds) that she was going to the library. Sammie waved her hand impatiently, clearly telling Lily that she didn't care what she did as long as she didn't distract her again.

So, Lily had gone to her favorite alcove in the library. It was a section dedicated to flobberworms and other useless creatures so hardly anyone was ever looking for books near where she sat. The library was quiet, but it was supposed to be, it was a natural quiet. And she could always count on it being broken up by Madam Pince snapping at someone every half hour or so. Lily's problem_ now _wasn't her focus, it was that she was getting all of the answers wrong. Which wasn't really doing anything to help with the stomach knots issue.

Two hands came to rest on the arms of her chair and she felt someone's warm breath on her neck. This really wasn't the moment. As if she needed _another_ reason for the knots to tighten uncomfortably. She didn't look up. Some part of her brain was desperately pleading for it to be Marco Aurelius and was attempting to delude the rest of her mind into believing it as well, but Lily knew he'd never be so forward. She also knew the likelihood of Marco knowing her as anything more than "that red headed Gryffindor girl who _occasionally_ trips over desks at Prefect meetings whenever she stares at me" was quite low.

But she _did_ know someone who would be this boldly (and idiotically) forward and felt her stomach plummet as she recognized his hands.

"What do you want, Potter?" she asked, teeth gritted but with no real feeling in her voice. She hoped, knowing it was futile, that he would take the hint that she was busy and leave. Of course, it was Potter which means he probably got the hint but chose to do the exact opposite of what any decent human being would do anyway.

She could almost feel his smirk as he pushed back from her chair and settled down into the one next to it. "Not your kindest greeting," he said reprovingly. "Care to try again?"

Lily folded her hands and looked up at him, the amused smirk on his face not disappointing. "Go away," she said pleasantly. James chuckled appreciatively. The smile slid from her face then and she gazed at him seriously. "For real, Potter, I need to study. Go away."

"I'm studying too," he said, indicating a thick book on the shelf behind him. Without even looking to see what he was grabbing, he pulled it out and plopped it onto the table in front of him. "Yep, _Rare Species of the Sahara_, that's the exact book I need to write my Care of Magical Creatures essay." Lily doubted very much that this was the truth as he didn't have a bag with him, but she didn't have the energy or time to waste trying to get him to leave. Especially because she knew her efforts would ultimately prove futile.

People at school always assumed that she and Potter argued constantly, but in reality he was more like a persistent irritation and annoyance that she tried her best to ignore. Like a mosquito. Or a bird chirping loudly outside your window while you're trying to sleep in. Or you know, a parasite that's slowly devouring your life force that you mostly just want to throttle viciously every time you hear its voice.

She did try her best to ignore him though. Most of the time it worked. _Most_ of the time she could get away from him or he would back off when her temper would begin to boil over dangerously. It was just the few times that he went too far or she was already in a bad mood or after things had been building up and building up until she finally just exploded. And for whatever reason that tended to happen only in places like the middle of a packed corridor or during lunch or at the Three Broomsticks on a Hogsmeade weekend, leaving quite the nasty impression on most of the Hogwarts population and typically starting up a pretty revolting slew of gossip.

"Are you even taking Care of Magical Creatures?" Lily asked skeptically, her eyes narrowed as she watched him carelessly fingering the book.

He looked wounded and placed a hand over his heart. "Of course I am!" he replied in a voice so believably injured that if she didn't know him as well as she did, she might have felt the tiniest bit of guilt. As it was, she didn't. "It hurts me that you don't have my schedule memorized."

Lily rolled her eyes, the knots tightening as valuable time ticked by. "Do you even have any parchment to write on?" James smirked and reached into his pants' pocket and pulled out a very wrinkled and torn scrap of parchment. He smoothed it out on the table and gave her an I-told-you-so look, but she wasn't deterred in the slightest. "How about a quill?" This time he reached into his other pocket and pulled out what Lily was sure at one time had been a very handsome quill but now was flat on one side and missing several clumps of feather. Looking at the tip, Lily wasn't even sure that it would write, but Potter looked quite satisfied with himself.

"See, I _did_ come down here to write an essay. Running into you was neither planned nor was it my main goal." Lily rolled her eyes. As arrogant and self-centered as it made her seem, she very much doubted the truthfulness of that statement.

"I'm sorry I doubted you," she responded though her voice lacked any regret as her eyes were already returning to her own homework. "Now please, shut up so I can do my work." Without waiting for a response she began working, struggling to maintain her focus on Deflection Charms when so many other worrying assignments were fighting for her attention.

But after a few short minutes, her own battling thoughts weren't the only things distracting her. "Evans...psst, Evans!" Potter was hissing. Lily closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing calmness into her tone even as anger was beginning to course through her body.

"What?" she bit out, putting forth an effort to keep her voice even. Her eyes were another matter entirely. The glare refused to dissipate, and she really didn't care enough to bother. He seemed completely unaffected by this. In fact, he didn't even seem to notice. His book still sat closed on the table in front of him and though the quill was clutched in his right hand, there wasn't a single word written on his parchment, not even a title...or his name, for that matter.

He was leaning back nonchalantly in his chair, balancing precariously on two legs. Lily chided herself for enjoying a fantasy in which he fell (okay..._maybe_ she sort of gave him the _tiniest_ of pushes) backwards and knocked himself unconscious on the shelf, thus ensuring the quiet she so desperately desired. "That sentence you just finished...that's wrong," he pointed out calmly. He had a measured look on his face, as though he didn't really care, but she could sense more than see the amusement behind his words.

"What?" she yelped a little too loudly as her eyes snapped down to her essay, earning herself a glare from Madam Pince, which she promptly ignored. She looked down and reread the sentence. He was right. She'd somehow fused the logic behind a new spell they'd learned in Defense Against the Dark Arts with the theory behind a Repelling Jinx. Frustrated, she sighed loudly and scratched it out, noting that at this point more of her current essay was scratched out than not. "Why are you reading my paper anyway? Do your own work and leave me alone," she snapped and began rewriting the correct theory. She vaguely heard James mutter something including the words "ungrateful" and "bitter" under his breath, but she disregarded him, too.

Working at double speed now, she pushed all thoughts of anything except Charms forcefully out of her mind. Rereading every sentence to double check its validity, her progress was rather impressive, if she did say so herself.

Unfortunately, not another ten minutes had gone by before Potter was whispering her name again, vying for her attention. Her patience was evaporating quickly and her temper was simmering dangerously close to the surface. She ignored him hoping he'd get the hint (but again...it _was_ James Potter. What did she expect?). He continued whispering her name and she thought he sounded all too amused by the third minute of silence. When he started tapping her on the head with the sharp end of his quill, she slammed her hands down on the table and glared at him.

"WHAT?" she bit out, her anger too much to control at this point.

Potter, rather than being nearly as frightened or ashamed as he ought to have been, seemed pleased with the reaction he'd elicited. "Now, now, no need to be rude," he scolded, tapping the tip of her nose with his finger, triggering a tremor of rage to shoot through her body. "I was just going to ask if I could borrow some ink. It seems that in my haste to get to the library before anyone else checked out the book I needed, which I think you realize is _clearly_ in high demand, I forgot to grab mine."

Lily didn't trust herself to speak. She grimaced at him and reached her hand out to move her ink between them. Her hands were trembling with the effort she was putting forth to keep from reaching across the table and smacking the annoying grin off of his face, and because of that, a few drops spilled over the edge and onto the dark wood.

It took all of her will power not to chuck the stupid thing at his long nose, but she knew that would get her into a whole heap of trouble, and again she reminded herself that she couldn't spare the time. She loaded her quill up with ink and indicated that he should do the same with a careless gesture.

Before she had even lowered her quill to the page, he had spoken again. "Nah, you know, I can't remember the exact wording of the question I was supposed to answer. Plus, I'm not even sure this thing will write." He tossed the quill over his shoulder and smiled, pulling the large volume toward himself. "I think I'll just read."

"Great. Can you read and keep your mouth shut at the same time?" Lily asked sarcastically, her teeth clenched.

Potter looked thoughtful, feigning puzzlement. "I don't know...let's see, shall we?" He then, quite dramatically, closed his mouth and opened the book to read a few sentences. Then he looked up at Lily, his face shining with delight. "What do you know? I can!" His antics might have been _slightly_ humorous had Lily not been so unbelievably irritated.

"Wonderful," she grumbled and went back to work. She kept waiting for his next interruption, but it didn't come. In fact, she could have sworn she even heard a page of the book turn. Finally allowing herself to forget his presence (or as much as was possible, anyway...her body seemed to always be aware of when he was near, as if on high alert, ready to react to his next moment of stupidity that was always lurking just around the corner) and immersed herself in work. She had nearly finished half of it when a loud noise startled her. She jumped a bit off her seat and turned to see Potter lying face down in his open book.

"This is so _boring_," he complained, turning his head to look at her, a pout on his lips. "I can't believe you do this all year. And that you've done it for five years! And that you're going to do it for two more!" His voice rose with each realization. So much so that people were beginning to turn to look at him, either with curiosity or irritation, Lily wasn't sure.

"What? Study?" Lily asked sarcastically.

"Homework! It's dead boring." Lily just rolled her eyes and looked away, but James wasn't giving up her attention so easily. "Let's do something fun," he suggested.

Lily, tired of ignoring him and seeing that it clearly wasn't working, decided to play along, hoping that he would get it all of it out of his system and leave her alone. Or just leave, period. Obviously, that would be ideal. Though of course years of experience told her that it was never that easy. "Like what?"

James looked mildly surprised by her compliance, but instantly responded. "Oh, I've got some ideas."

"Well, by all means, enlighten me," Lily said trying to keep the traces of sarcasm out of her voice.

James peered at her, calculating something in that idiot head of his. Then he seemed to decide on something. Looking back, Lily knew that this should have been a giant red flag with bright neon lights flashing the words "WARNING! Run quickly in the other direction! UNSAFE!" But for whatever reason, whether stress or a momentary lack of brain function, she overlooked it.

He shrugged, his eyes glinting, and said, "Okay, but you asked for it."

And before Lily could get the words, "Asked for what?" out of her mouth, James leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers.

It was brief, but certainly longer than a quick peck. Lily sat frozen, her eyes open wide with shock, her mind not even registering what was happening. She felt more like she was a third party observer watching one of her least favorite people kissing her than actually living it. It seemed that Potter knew the exact moment that her brain began figuring out what was going on though, because his eyes flew open and he backed away. He was already out of his chair, grinning like a madman, knowing he'd just narrowly escaped death. Or at the very least, a bad concussion.

"Bye," he muttered and then all but ran for the exit. Madam Pince hissed at him but he ignored her.

Lily was furious. She was positively beside herself. She so desperately wanted to pick up _Rare Species of the Sahara_, run after him, and beat him repeatedly over the head with it. And then maybe drag his unconscious body to the lake and drown him just for good measure. She wanted to scream at him about boundaries and personal space until she was hoarse and he was deaf.

Actually, what she _really_ wanted was to forget her newfound realization that there was a _reason_ sixteen year-old James Potter had the reputation he did amongst the Hogwarts girls. His lips had been so soft. He'd tasted sweet and her mouth was still tingling...and had she not just been _sexually assaulted_, she might have actually enjoyed that. You know, a little. If Marco had kissed her like that...except that he _hadn't_, and he never would, because he wasn't as much of a complete bloody _prat_.

She remained in her seat, seething. She was furious, but the looming O.W.L.s kept her glued to her chair, somehow forcing a bit of sanity into the tangled mess of livid thoughts that were running around in her head. Madam Pince would chase her from the library with a broom if she went tearing after James now, and there was no way Lily would get anything done in the common room.

No, she would put it from her mind for now. She needed to focus and just finish this stupid essay. Her revenge could wait for some later date. Maybe she'd steal his clothes when he was in the bath so that he'd have to run through the castle naked. Or maybe she'd get Sev to help her brew up a batch of Veritaserum and then she'd sneak some to Potter and make him spill all of his secrets in the Great Hall. Heck, while they're at it, why not make some Draught of the Living Dead. That way he'd never have the chance to irritate (or snog) her again. At the very least, she could probably convince Maureen Hotea, the Head Girl, to give him detention.

Smiling as these daydreams played out in her head, she turned her focus back to her work, forgetting all about Potter and his unwarranted kiss.

II.

Rain poured down on Hogwarts and had been doing so nonstop since last Tuesday. It had been an unusually wet Spring, raining more than any of the 6th years could remember. Most of the students had been braving the weather all week. The Gryffindors had even had to wade through the water logged gardens for Herbology a few days earlier, and by the time they'd reached Transfiguration an hour later, all of them were soaked and muddied halfway up their robes. In hindsight, a repellant charm would have been an excellent idea, but for whatever reason no one had thought of it at the time.

The grounds had flooded on Friday, forcing everyone inside the castle. James Potter had even cancelled Quidditch practice, putting him in a foul mood all throughout dinner because of it, but he had done it nonetheless. When Potter starts calling off practice, it's time to start worrying.

Not that he took it out on Lily or anything. He hardly ever looked at her anymore let alone interacted with her. After their huge fight at the end of last year, James had spent the remaining weeks of the school year trying to talk to her, but she was still too mad at him and too upset about everything going on with Severus to make time. He'd sent her a couple of owls at the beginning of the summer but she didn't even open them before chucking them in the rubbish bin. She'd spent the last two weeks of August mentally preparing herself for the inevitable confrontation that she was sure they would have. Honestly, by September she was ready to put it behind them anyway. But James seemed not to care at all either way. In fact, since the train ride when she'd finally approached him, he'd only talked to her when strictly necessary and rarely even made eye contact with her. At the beginning of the year she'd guiltily found it a relief. She was no longer being constantly badgered by him, his incessant annoyance finally silenced.

After nearly a year though, she'd found it almost unnerving. He didn't hate her, he wasn't even mad at her. He just seemed completely indifferent. It was something she wasn't used to. For four years he'd done all he could to drive her up the wall. All of 5th year he'd been obsessed with her and went about it in a way that drove her mad. Nothing...no feelings at all...it wasn't something she'd ever expected or knew how to react to. Sometimes, late at night when she couldn't sleep, she'd have the startling realization that a small part of her (a very tiny part...miniscule actually, barely even worth mentioning) missed his constant cheeriness and the rare occasions when he showed something of himself beyond arrogance and defiance.

She comforted herself with the knowledge that the sentiment to make things right between them was there, it was just that life had interfered. Between her friends, school, dealing with Petunia, a boyfriend and her Prefect duties, making up with someone she didn't really like had been pushed aside. He was busy too. Being a Marauder and wreaking havoc on the castle took up more time that Lily realized (Remus made sure to point this out to her often) plus his nearly constant string of girlfriends this year, Quidditch practice, detentions, and school (he _had_ to study to make the kind of marks he did, despite his protestations that he never did...no one is that gifted or lucky, even Potter) took up all of his time.

And he seemed fine with everyone else. Around anyone except her, he was his normal, happy-go-lucky, arrogant, big-headed self. So really, what was the point of stirring the pot?

Still, it grated on her whenever she was near him. Like now. The rain may have forced them all inside, but it was Sammie (who was currently entrenched in an "on" phase of her on-again, off-again relationship with Sirius Black) who had forced the three of them, along with James, Remus, Peter and fellow 6th year Mary McDonald into a frightening game of truth or dare.

Lily had been all for it at the beginning. It wasn't until Sirius had forced her to detail a particularly intimate evening with Marco, because her other option was a dare to strip down into her underwear, she realized how big a mistake she'd made in agreeing to play.

"James, truth or dare?" Sammie asked, a wicked glint in her eyes. She was enjoying this game far too much.

"Truth," he answered automatically, seeming completely confident, despite Sammie's frightening expression.

She groaned. "You know, for a group of boys lauded for their bravery and recklessness, you four have been awfully boring today."

"Hey! I ate an entire bag of Cockroach Clusters in under five minutes," Sirius argued.

"Only because you didn't want to admit to how many times you've watched _Casablanca_," Mary pointed out, giggling.

"I still pick truth," James interjected. He was grinning, but Lily thought he seemed more reserved than usual.

"Okay, fine, but just know that I'm disappointed in you."

"Noted," James said dryly, and then sat gazing placidly at Sammie waiting for her question.

She shrugged. "I've been wondering anyway, so tell us..." Sammie paused for dramatic effect making Lily and Mary roll their eyes. "Why were you all so exhausted earlier this week?"

"Beg pardon?" James's voice was casual, disinterested even, but there was no denying that his body had gone completely still, alert to some danger that the rest of them weren't aware of.

"You remember...Tuesday, while Remus was still in the Hospital Wing with the flu, all three of you were worn out. And I mean, drop dead, dragging your knuckles on the ground exhausted. And don't even try telling me you don't know what I'm talking about," Sammie scolded, shaking a finger at him after she accurately interpreted the blank look on James's face. "Peter slept through Transfiguration and got double detention, Sirius fell asleep in his cereal and nearly drowned and _you_...you fell off your broom at Quidditch practice and broke your ankle."

James was still, and Lily could feel the anxiety in the air. She, Mary and Sammie were all waiting anxiously to hear the answer while the four boys seemed to be having a very private and very fast conversation with their eyes. "So what's your question?" James finally asked, his voice much colder than it had been moments earlier.

Sammie rolled her eyes. "My question is _why_? Why were you all so tired? What were you doing Monday night that made you all so tired on Tuesday?"

James looked around again, his eyes lingering momentarily on Remus who was staring determinedly at the floor. Lily wasn't sure what was going on and she couldn't deny that she was curious, but one look at the Marauders' faces told her that whatever the reason was, it wasn't a trivial or juvenile thing. Whatever they'd been doing was a _big_ deal.

Suddenly she wasn't so sure that she wanted to hear it.

Then, without preamble or uncertain mumbling, James looked directly into Sammie's eyes and said, "Dare," in a sharp voice.

Sammie, looking extremely confused with her eyebrows pressed together, said, "Really?" James nodded simply. "I thought it would just be something silly like you snuck into Hogsmeade for some Butterbeer or something."

James shrugged. "Maybe it is. Maybe I just feel like being daring," he said vaguely, throwing her a winning smile. "I mean, you kind of insulted my pride...my sense of danger. I need to earn back our reckless reputation apparently." Lily wasn't sure, but it sounded like he was _trying_ to inject his voice with a carelessness that he wasn't really feeling.

Sammie looked at him, unconvinced. "You do realize you've made me very curious, right? And now I'm just going to dare you to do something so completely ridiculous that you'd never do it in a million years so that you'll tell us." James only shrugged again, the corner of his mouth quirked up in a careless smirk. Sammie looked around the room, clearly searching for something horrible enough to dare him to do. That's when her eyes fell on Lily, her grin widening. Lily didn't know what that meant exactly, but she was sure it wasn't a good thing. "Okay," Sammie said smugly, "I dare you...to snog Lily. And not a silly peck or something...a real snog."

Many things happened simultaneously. James's eyes grew to the size of galleons and they flickered over and connected with Lily's briefly before quickly shifting elsewhere, bright red spots appearing on his cheeks. Peter giggled nervously. Mary groaned, "_Sammie..._" while Sirius was muttering that he'd be insulted if the most ridiculous thing anyone could think of was trying to force someone to kiss him. Remus's eyes finally came off of the floor and he looked miserably at James.

"What?" Lily screeched. "Sammie, I have a boyfriend!"

But Sammie ignored this, her eyes fixated on James, waiting for his answer. "What's it gonna be, Potter?" The group went quiet and looked over at him.

James truly looked torn (which, had it been anyone else, Lily would have found this to be supremely insulting). His eyes were flying around to look at his three best friends.

"Prongs, you don't have a choice," Sirius said, his tone calm but authoritative.

"He does too," Remus said quietly. "You can't expect him to kiss _her_, it's fine…it'll be fine," he finished quietly.

Um...ouch.

"It's all right...you can kiss me," Lily said in a squeaky voice that didn't belong to her. She didn't know what had made her say it. She wasn't even conscious of the decision _to_ say it. But now that she had, she could feel a hot blush creeping up her own cheeks. The group went silent again but this time all of the eyes were focused on her and she was the one avoiding James's gaze. "I mean, you don't have to, obviously," she mumbled quickly. "If you'd rather explain about falling off your broom..."

There was a silence for what felt like an eternity. It lasted so long, she'd worried she had gone temporarily deaf. "Really?" His voice faltered on the word, but he also sounded somewhat relieved. She nodded, looking toward him but still avoiding his eyes. "Um...okay then."

Lily took a deep breath and then moved toward him, dragging her knees along the carpet as they were both sitting on the floor. "We'll just all make sure not to tell Marco," she added with a sudden guilty twinge in her stomach.

"Sure, because we wouldn't want Aurelius getting his knickers in a twist," James muttered sarcastically under his breath. Lily thought she heard a hint of bitterness as well...but it must have been something else.

Lily sighed and pushed herself up on her knees in front of James. She felt inexplicably nervous, her palms beginning to sweat.

"You're sure this is okay?" James asked quietly, and finally Lily looked at him. _Really_ looked at him. She had forgotten just how intensely hazel his eyes were, how captivating they could be when he wasn't smirking at you. But something was amiss. Something was _different_. The arrogant amusement she'd seen there so often, that she'd become accustomed to seeing there, was missing. In its place was something Lily couldn't quite seem to identify. Pain? Misery? Desperation? Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't indifference.

She shrugged casually, though casual was about the last thing she was feeling. Somehow, her throat dry, Lily found enough of her voice to respond. "Yeah, I mean, it's not that big of a deal."

"No, of course not, I just…don't want to force you. Neither of us want it, though, so…"

"Exactly!" Her voice sounded overly bright, even in her own ears. She didn't have time to worry about it though, because James was leaning towards her. She closed her eyes and felt one of his hands cup her cheek right before their lips met.

She instinctively moved toward him, returning the gentle pressure and finding that her hands (moving without her permission and completely against her will) had come to rest on his hips. His lips moved against hers timidly, slowly, almost fearfully. Completely _not_ James Potter-ish. Odd.

She hated that her body seemed to recognize his lips, recalling the warmth of his last, much different kiss. But at the same time, she enjoyed the familiarity. And she _hated_ that she enjoyed it.

It had only just begun when he pulled abruptly away. Lily was left sitting up on her knees feeling dazed, disoriented and highly confused. James had already flopped back to the floor and was giving Sammie a satisfied smirk, acting as though he'd done nothing except give Lily a firm handshake. Then again, he'd always been much better at hiding emotion than Lily. Maybe though, Lily thought, maybe he wasn't hiding anything. Maybe he'd been telling the truth. Maybe he hadn't wanted to kiss her and it hadn't meant anything to him at all.

_Not_ that it meant anything to _her_, obviously.

When she looked back at him, all traces of emotion that she hadn't been able to identify had evaporated from his eyes and she could only see the indifference again. It was more unnerving now than it had been before.

And no matter how often she would contradict it to Marco the following evening (he'd somehow found out about it even though everyone had been sworn to secrecy) promising and swearing that it had been nothing to her, something uncomfortable and unwelcome was nagging at the back of her mind. She wasn't sure what it had been or if once she figured it out if it would make any difference anyway, but it _hadn't_ been nothing.

And maybe she was imagining it, but James Potter seemed to be meeting and holding her gaze more often these days.

III.

"Where's Potter?" Lily asked, waltzing into an alcove in the library where Sirius, Remus, and Sammie appeared to be doing homework, though she was sure that was the last thing they'd really been up to. Remus sat up straight and looked at her while Sirius lounged in his chair, so much like his best mate.

"He's not with you?"

Lily flashed him a look and gestured wildly around her. "_Obviously_ he's not or else I wouldn't be asking!" She tried to sound angry, but as she really wasn't and she knew that they would never be intimidated by her anyway; she didn't come across as very convincing. They confirmed her train of thought when Remus chuckled and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Hate to break it to you, Evans, but typically if he's not with us then I assume that he's with you. And if he's not with you, then I have no clue where he could be," Sirius said casually, giving her a wink.

Lily grinned at him and then turned her attention to the other boy at the table. "What about you, Remus? Anything _helpful_?" She shot Sirius a look as he said that, but once again, he wasn't fazed in the least.

Remus thought for a moment. "I'd check the kitchens. He said he was still hungry after breakfast."

"You're kidding me!" Lily said, her voice disbelieving and astounded, her mouth dropping open. "He ate five egg sandwiches at breakfast! How could he possibly eat more? How could he possibly _want_ more?"

"Unbelievable, I know, but the real question is where does it all go? He eats more than all the first years combined and yet he's like a bean pole. It's disgusting," Sammie ranted.

Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head. Remus, though looking like he shared Sirius's sentiment, responded rationally with, "It's called being a boy."

"Yeah, well, it's not fair..."

Lily, though amused by Sammie's outburst, felt a diatribe coming on and didn't want to get stuck in the library for the next twenty minutes talking about the fairness of boys' eating habits. "So..." she drawled, "the kitchens?"

Remus grinned up at her as though sensing her line of thinking. "Yeah, good luck." With a quick thanks, she retreated and headed down to the kitchens.

As she entered the corridor with the fruit bowl painting, James emerged, popping the last bite of a cookie into his mouth. He caught sight of her, foot tapping, arms crossed, one eyebrow arched high up on her forehead. He froze in place. "I didn't do it," he declared automatically, his words muffled slightly by the food in his mouth.

Lily rolled her eyes and gave him a skeptical look. He smirked and moved closer to her. "How come nobody ever believes me when I say that?" he asked, probably meaning it to be rhetorical.

"Because it's never true," Lily answered matter-of-factly, a small smile making its way to her mouth.

He nodded thoughtfully. "Fair point," he conceded, looking down at her and tucking a lock of hair off behind her ear, his fingertips grazing her cheek and sending a small shiver down her spine. Then he held another cookie up between them. "Want some? It's oatmeal."

She grinned at him, but pushed the cookie back down. "No, I'm mad at you," she explained in a voice that lacked any trace of anger at all.

James' eyebrows jumped up over his eyes and his expression told her that she had once again failed to intimidate a Marauder. "Oh really?" She nodded, small smile still in place. "What on earth could I have possibly done this time?"

She crossed her arms again and pierced him with a playful glare. "It's more of what you _haven't _done, you know?" James's only response was to quirk an eyebrow inquisitively and wait for her to elaborate. "Why haven't you kissed me yet?" She tried to sound menacing, but it wasn't working. At all.

James laughed, the sound bouncing off the bare walls of the corridor. "What?" he asked, bewildered but amused.

"Why haven't you kissed me yet?" she repeated, embarrassed but persistent. "We've been on two dates now and countless moments have come and gone and you just let them pass us by. Why?" Lily was laughing now too, but despite the lightness of her tone she knew that James would hear the note of genuine curiosity behind it.

Very rarely serious, he wasn't going to give her the answer she wanted, at least not before having a little fun first. "I _have_ kissed you...twice actually. Once last year and again the year before that," he pointed out earning him a light smack on the arm.

"Those don't count!"

"Why not?"

Lily gave him a pointed look. "The time in the library doesn't count because I didn't want you to do it then and because afterwards I seriously considered bashing your face in with a Beater's bat. And the one last year...well, it only happened because of that stupid game and you said you didn't even _want_ to kiss me..."

"But I already told you I was lying," James interrupted her. "And you were too, now that you mention it."

Lily's mouth opened in astonished denial. "I was not!"

"Were too," James argued. "You absolutely wanted to kiss me. If it wasn't obvious in the _way_ you kissed me, it certainly was by the haze of pleasure you lived in for the rest of that evening."

"I was _not_ in a haze of pleasure!" she countered indignantly, though the blush creeping up her face was a tad contradictory. "Maybe a haze of confusion. I was definitely confused...but not pleased."

"Yeah, confused _because_ you were pleased."

Lily thought on this a moment. She didn't think that was entirely the whole truth, but it was probably part of it, she couldn't deny that. And she had to remind herself that it was okay for her to be honest about her feelings for him. Sometimes she needed to forcefully quit her habit of denying any kind of affection for James as it had become almost like second nature to her. Breaking a six and a half year old habit of involuntarily reacting against said feelings had turned out to be quite a bit of work.

She shrugged. "Regardless of whether or not that's true," (James's grin widened...he clearly knew he'd won the debate), "If I'm on the plan to only get one kiss a year, I'd like to change my policy."

"It's only been two dates, Lil," James said affectionately as he wrapped his arms around her waist and clasped his hands together behind her back, effectively pulling her closer into his chest. Her heart sped up a bit, a reaction she'd grown used to whenever she was close to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were so desperate," he teased.

Lily looked up into his eyes, her eyebrows pulled together in a playful pout. "Well, I'm not sure I'd go as far as _desperate_…"

James chuckled and he was so close that his chest pushed gently, pleasantly, against hers when he did. "This really isn't the way I'd planned on going about this," he admitted. "It's not even remotely romantic. But as you seem unwilling to wait, and as any desperate woman – especially when that desperate woman is _you_ – is a very dangerous thing...it seems I have no choice."

Lily (containing a completely ridiculous and embarrassing twelve-year-old-girl squeal of excitement) blushed a bit, and laughed. "If you were trying to _improve _the romance levels, I'm not sure you're doing a very good job."

"Well, in that case...I have one condition," he added, holding up a finger in front of her face.

Lily, who was still smiling as he talked, regarded him a little suspiciously. "Oh yeah? And what would that be?"

James grinned, a glint of amusement in his eyes. "Due to the lack of romance in this situation, I want you to say something really cheesy to make up for it. And please remember that we are in the middle of a corridor, down by the kitchens...it needs to be really good." Lily groaned. James was picking on her.

After she'd finally agreed to give the dating thing a go, as purely a precautionary measure (to ensure against any of the ridiculous nonsense he used to shout at her when trying to convince her to go out with him) they'd had a long talk about all of the things he _wasn't_ allowed to do or say. Lily had made it very clear that he wasn't to do anything cliché or cheesy and was certainly not allowed to spout off long romantic monologues about how his life was now complete with her in it or that he'd waited his whole life for this one moment with her or anything else of that general gag-worthy nature (though, seeing as this was James Potter, she'd never been sure if that was necessary. I mean really, she couldn't see him seriously saying anything like that, but better safe than sorry, right?). As a result, he'd been making her say things like that every time she'd made any request of him since.

"I mean it, Evans. It better be good."

Lily pouted and shot him a disgruntled look but had learned weeks earlier that arguing with him about it did absolutely no good. So, she screwed up her face like she was thinking really hard. "Hmm..." Her mind raced as she tried to come up with something good enough. James was much better at this on-the-spot wit, but for whatever reason she really wanted to humor him and his request. "How about something like, 'my lips are lonely'?" she asked slowly.

James laughed again, his hand moving up her back. "Yeah, that's good. Now, say it like you mean it," he ordered.

"Okay," Lily said nodding. Then she took a dramatic sigh and carefully rearranged her face into a sad pout, her eyes big and pleading. When she spoke, she tried to hide her amusement behind a slightly whiny, begging voice. "James," she began, and his smile widened, "My lips are lonely."

He somehow suppressed a laugh and looked down at her, a warmth in his eyes that made her glad that his arms were securely around her, holding her up. "We wouldn't want that now would we?" he said, his voice quiet.

"No," she had just managed to whisper before he leaned down and caught her lips with his own.

The wave of familiarity hit her again. His lips were as soft and warm as ever. Her hands pressed against the hard muscles of his chest as she clutched at his shirt. One of his hands had moved up to cup her face, his fingers knotting in her hair. His lips moved gently and firmly against hers.

Even with everything familiar about it, there was a lot about it that she hadn't encountered before. He kissed her confidently and almost recklessly, not restrained at all. Instead of holding back how he felt about her, only doing as much as she would allow, he kissed her like _he_ wanted to. It was almost as though she could feel the sense of freedom he was experiencing in the knowledge that this wouldn't be their last kiss, that she wanted this as much as he did.

The biggest change was in herself, though. There was no indecision now, no confusion. Only desire. Only affection. Everything else drifted out of focus and she could only see James, only _feel_ James. She was hyper aware of everywhere he was touching her. The way his fingers spread on her back. The way his heart beat erratically against her chest. The way that as the kiss went on longer she seemed unable to get close enough to him. There was a desire growing in the pit of her stomach, a burning hunger that made her want more. It made the idea of ever stopping nearly unbearable.

Finally, the need for oxygen became too much and James gently pulled his mouth away, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing deeply. His eyes were closed and his hot breath was blowing on her cheek. She didn't untangle herself from him, content to stay right there for the rest of the afternoon.

"There now," she asked after a few moments, her breathing finally slowing enough for her to get coherent words out. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I've had worse, I suppose" James drawled.

Lily smirked and swatted at him as she pulled her head away from his and looked up at him. "Is that so? Well no worries, we don't have to do it again." She replied, slipping back into their usual banter.

James smiled at her. "In that case, I've changed my mind. You are the most fabulous, amazing, remarkable, talented, exceptional—"

Lily laughed and stepped back a bit. "Good answer." She cut off his string of compliments, "But who's being cheesy now?"

James chuckled and reached for her hand and began walking up the corridor. "You're limiting my freedom of expression with that label. Normal birds are supposed to _like _all the romantic gooey stuff."

Lily contemplated this for a moment and then grinned at him. "Yes...but as you've probably realized by now, I'm not a normal girl."

He reached up and mussed her hair, "No…no, I suppose you're not."

IV.

"Mr. Potter was one of the greatest men I ever knew. He was more of a father to me than my own father was. He was kind, patient, always available for a chat. Living in their house, I couldn't help but make certain comparisons to my own home experiences. He was a wonderful father. A man who invested in everything his son did, who sacrificed not out of obligation, but out of love..."

That had been the beginning of Sirius' eulogy at James's father's funeral. Lily had stood there with her hand in James's, tears streaming down her cheeks. She had somehow been able to hold them back while James had been speaking. Probably because she knew that he'd needed her to be strong. Every time his eyes had flickered to hers (and they had done so quite a bit) if she had not been pulled together, he would have lost it.

Now that he was down in the crowd, standing next to her, she allowed herself a momentary break down.

She chanced a glance over at him. His face was stoic and hard, showing no emotion at all. His jaw was clenched tightly and his eyes were trained not on Sirius, but on some point beyond him. She knew that he was breaking inside and that it was taking every ounce of strength and every fiber of his being to hold himself together.

His father's death hadn't come as a real surprise to any of them. It had been shocking and it was still horrible and heartbreaking, but if anyone said they hadn't been waiting for that phone call, they'd have been lying. After James's mum had died nearly two months earlier, they knew it would only be a matter of time before Mr. Potter followed. He'd stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped leaving the house all together, no matter how often James and Lily invited him over for afternoon tea. Lily believed, though she'd never voiced this opinion, that Davis Potter had given up on living, with no desire to do so without his wife.

James knew it too. He'd had a rough time, though this was to be expected. He was still dealing with his own grief at the loss of his mother and he'd worked tirelessly, doing everything he could possibly think of to keep his father from doing exactly what he had done: fallen helplessly and hopelessly into a pit of deadly despair.

It had been a tough two months for the two of them as a couple. Lily _tried_ to be understanding and _tried_ to be exactly what James needed, but as he didn't even know what that was, it was hard for her to figure it out. They'd spent too many dinners silently eating across the table from one another, James not wanting to talk and Lily unsure of what to say. She'd woken up many times in the middle of the night to find the bed next to her cold and empty. Sometimes he'd be on the porch, sometimes asleep on the couch. One time he'd left to go for a walk. Lily had paced back and forth across the living room for nearly two hours. When he did return, a frantic woman on the verge of hysteria met him which resulted in a huge fight. He'd yelled about needing to clear his head and she'd yelled about Death Eaters and idiots walking around London at 3 AM.

That fight had been nothing but a mild discussion in comparison to the one they had the night they learned of Mr. Potter's passing. Lily had instantly dissolved into tears and gone into comforting mode, assuming James would react the same way she had. Instead, he spurned her attempts and had yelled about how selfish it was for his father to give up on life when he had an 18 year-old son to think about. Hurting, she had screamed back that it was a terrible thing to say about his father and that he clearly didn't mean it, that it was only the grief talking. He had responded by exploding that she had no idea what he was feeling. Her parents had died in an accident. His dad made the choice to give up and desert him and she needed to stop trying to comfort him because nothing she ever did would be good enough to help.

Well, strong as she'd tried to be, and as much as she wanted to be there for him, she couldn't stay and listen to that. She wouldn't sit there and let him purposely hurt her. Losing Mr. Potter had been like losing her own father all over again and James's words were like a violent kick in the stomach with spiked shoes when she was already down. So she'd left, not yelling but in pain. With nowhere else to go she'd run to the flat Sirius and Remus shared. She'd sent Sirius to James immediately (she was hurt, not cruel...she knew James couldn't be alone) and then sat with Remus drinking tea until she'd fallen asleep on the couch.

When she'd woken up the next morning, James and Sirius were in the kitchen, steaming mugs of coffee in hand. Lily had leaned against the door frame, pushing her tangled hair out of her eyes and watching as he murmured quietly. When he finally spotted her, he only hesitated for a half second before pushing back from the table and striding across the kitchen toward her. She could tell instantly that he hadn't slept a wink the night before. His eyes were rimmed with red and the skin beneath them was dark and puffy.

Without a word he pulled her into his chest and buried his face in her hair. She distantly heard Sirius exit the kitchen as she clung to James, tears already forming in her stinging eyes.

"I'm sorry," he was whispering over and over again. "I'm so, so sorry."

Lily barely comprehended it, just allowing the warmth of him and the relief to wash over and soothe her. When she did finally understand him, she pulled away. Not far enough that his arms weren't still encircling her, but far enough that she could look up into his eyes. "No, James, _I'm_ sorry. You're right, I don't know how you're feeling..."

"But I shouldn't have talked to you like that," he countered, looking at her with so much tenderness that it made her heart sputter in her chest. His fingers were running gently across her cheek. "You were...trying to help, to be understanding, and I just snapped."

The next few days went by in a blur. Lily took on the brunt of planning the funeral and memorial services, feeling like it was an all too familiar activity lately. James hardly left the bedroom let alone the flat, but Lily thought that the fact that he was actually grieving was a good sign. And he didn't shut her out anymore. When she wasn't on the phone ordering flowers or writing letters to the _Prophet_ for the obituary, she would crawl into bed next to James. Sometimes she held him, sometimes he held her. Sometimes he talked; sometimes he was silent, tears dripping down his cheeks and onto the pillow.

Now they were at the cemetery again, the same plot, surrounded by many of the same people. She hated meeting all of these strangers. She met neighbors, very distant relatives, even old co-workers. And she did fine as long as James was around. She felt guilty that even at an event where things were much, much worse for him, she still needed him for her own comfort. Unfortunately, they'd somehow been separated and now she was standing by the refreshments table, talking to an elderly woman who was clinging to a damp handkerchief.

"How did you know, Davis?" the old woman sniffled.

"I'm his son's girlfriend," Lily explained, feeling awkward. At Arie's funeral she'd just said that she was James' girlfriend, but this somehow confused people. And she hated the word "girlfriend." It made her feel like a less significant figure in the lives of the Potters than she truly was. "Girlfriend" didn't seem to convey the depth of the relationship she had with James. And it really made her feel like she didn't deserve to be at his father's funeral. Somehow saying, "I'm James's significant other and we'll probably get married someday and really the only reason we're not getting married now is because we're only 18 and that just seems ridiculously early to be getting married," didn't feel quite right, either.

"Oh, that's nice," the old woman said. "That means you must have known Arie, too." The woman babbled on for a long time, and Lily felt guilty for not paying attention. The woman wasn't really so bad, but she couldn't concentrate. Lily was searching the crowd, her eyes scanning the multitude of people milling about. She couldn't find James at all, and no matter her situation, he didn't need to be alone today. So she politely excused herself to go search for him.

She found Remus and Peter chatting with one of the Ministry wizards and then Sirius who was standing alone at the gravesite, looking lost. He caught Lily's eye and gave her a sad smile. Then he pointed toward a bench a few hundred feet away.

She could just make out James in the dusk light, his back to her, his long hair blowing wildly in the wind. His back was straight, but his shoulders were hunched.

She gave Sirius a grateful smile and then began walking across the soft ground toward James, her feet sinking into the mud with each step. She sat down next to him and waited for him to look over at her. When he finally did, his hair was blowing into his eyes. She reached up a hand and pushed it out of the way, letting her hand rest on the back of his neck. "You need a haircut," she said quietly as though they were in an entirely different situation, but her eyes held a deep sadness. He didn't say anything but held her gaze and reached up and grabbed her hand. He brought it around to his mouth and kissed her palm before lacing his fingers with hers.

"Here, I brought you some food," she stated, pushing the plate into his lap. "I know you're not hungry," Lily said quickly when he opened his mouth to protest, "but you haven't eaten since breakfast yesterday."

He didn't argue with her, but he didn't eat either. He just kept gazing at her, his eyes sweeping over her face and then locking on her eyes. "I love you," he finally said, his voice low and quiet but full of a heavy intensity. "You know that right?"

Lily looked back at him, confused. "Yeah, James, I know," she reassured. Of course she knew. They'd been together over a year. They were living together. After everything they'd been through, how could she not know that he loved her?

He didn't seem satisfied with her answer though. He turned on the bench so that he was square with her. "No, I mean, I _really_ love you. Like, I don't know what I'd do without you, love you. Want to spend the rest of my life with you, love you. I _love_ you."

Lily looked back at him for a long moment, her expression soft. She knew what he was thinking about. All week, all anyone could talk about was how much Davis had loved Arie, how deeply it had run, how it had been obvious in every single thing that he did. He'd been wondering about the same things that she'd pondered while lying in his arms listening to his deep and even breathing. Did they have the same thing? She didn't want James to stop living if she died and she was certain (well...fairly certain) that she would somehow manage to keep breathing if James died, a very real possibility for both of them, but did that mean that what she had with him was a lesser type of love than what his parents had shared?

She didn't think so.

She couldn't imagine possibly loving anyone more than she loved him.

"I love you, too," she whispered, lacing the words with all of the power and intensity of her own feelings for him. She felt the same way, often wondering why she'd wasted so much time hating him and looking forward to their life together: children, their own home, sending their kids to Hogwarts, grandchildren, growing old with him. It wasn't even possible for her to picture a future without him now, and she didn't want to.

"Really?" he asked, a small smile working on his lips for the first time in days.

"Yeah...really," she answered, her voice assuring.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly. Her lips parted automatically and she leaned into him. It was quick, sweet. But when she pulled away, she tasted his salty tears. She looked into his wet eyes, not with pity but with love, with an understanding of his heartache. She reached a hand up to his cheek and brushed a falling tear away with her thumb before leaning forward, kissing him quickly once more, and then wrapping her arms around him.

V.

"Lily, at least come wish us luck!" Remus called from the living room. She could hear him talking quietly to Sirius and James, probably some rubbish about how completely irrational and unreasonable she was being. Not that that was strictly rubbish, mind you. She was blowing this whole thing completely out of proportion. At the same time, she was too irrational to completely recognize this, thus the sitting in the bedroom defiantly, cross legged on the bed, pout firmly in place.

"I will not!" she yelled, arms crossed angrily across her chest. She could practically feel three pairs of eyes rolling through the walls, but she didn't care. James, Sirius and Remus were all heading off to do something for the Order. All that they were really doing was tailing a few Death Eaters, but so many people had been hurt on similar assignments lately. The Death Eaters were slowly becoming more aware of the small band of wizards trying to undo them, and with each mission they went on things got more and more dangerous.

Could anyone really blame her for being scared? The three of them would be split up, no one watching their backs. And it's not like Sirius or James were ever particularly careful anyway. If she wasn't married to the idiot, she would have refused to go out into the field with James a long time ago. He could be so careless sometimes, taking huge risks for miniscule gains. Sometimes she thought James and Sirius were mentally stuck in Hogwarts, thinking that each mission was some grand adventure and that the worst that could happen is that they land themselves in detention rather than getting killed.

She heard one of the voices (James?) mutter something incoherent and then the other two chuckle. She quickly stood up, anger carrying her to the closed door and yelled, "Oh yeah, running off to get yourselves killed is really funny! Ha, ha, ha!" Then she distinctly heard the front door open and shut. She looked around wildly and then opened her mouth in a fury. "Oh no...they did _not_ just leave without saying goodbye..."

She opened the door angrily, flinging it into the wall, intent on sprinting into the garden to stop them and yell at them and then give them a proper goodbye with hugs and best wishes (and sure...perhaps a couple of vicious warnings and smacks when all three of them took the whole thing too lightly). James was waiting for her in the hallway though, leaning against the opposite wall, his eyebrows arched high on his forehead and his arms crossed across his chest.

"Well, Padfoot and Moony already left for the rendezvous point. Your stubbornness is just going to make _me_ late," he said pointedly. His words were light, but his tone held none of its usual amusement. "Now come on, Lily. Kiss me goodbye and wish me good luck. I'll be home by midnight."

"James, you went on Thursday. Why are you going again?" she whined. Seeing him standing there with that determined blaze in his eyes made all of the anger seep out of her, replaced by a desperation intent on doing anything she could to make him stay. She was also stalling and James knew it. They'd already had this same conversation 400 times since the arrival of Dumbledore's Patronus two days earlier. "It's supposed to be Wormtail's turn anyway. Where is he?"

"He's sick..."

"Again?"

"Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault that the boy has an abnormally poor immune system!" Lily had turned and headed back to the bed, sitting on the edge and staring moodily up at James. He followed her, but didn't sit down. He was dressed in Muggle clothes: blue jeans that hung loosely on his hips and a red football jersey.

"It's still not your turn. Why can't I go? It's been longer since my last rotation," Lily argued even though she knew James' temper was already skating on thin ice and he was struggling to maintain his cool.

"Because you're still hurt," he stated.

"That's my point!" Lily practically shouted, the anger flaring up again. "You're too rash out there. You don't think! The only reason I'm hurt in the first place is because you thought it was a better idea to laugh it up with your mate than to properly pay attention to our surroundings. I'm _lucky_ it's only my ankle that's hurt..."

James winced at the reminder of their very near miss a few weeks back. They had been walking away from the Lestrange's home where they'd spent the last few hours listening in on hushed conversations. James was supposed to be guarding the rear but was too busy chuckling with Sirius about Rosier's face when he'd heard the three of them, but hadn't seen them beneath the Invisibility Cloak, when someone had shot a curse at them from behind. It had hit Lily in the leg and although she'd tried to downplay it in her own mind whenever the panic resurged, she knew they'd only barely gotten away.

Lily had covered for both James and Sirius when they'd returned to headquarters, never telling Dumbledore how close it had been (though she suspected he really knew the truth and only wanted to see if she would confess it to him). James hadn't left her side while the (extremely painful) countercurses were performed and had done nothing but try to make it up to her since then. She'd actually had to tell him off for apologizing, tired of listening to it when she'd already forgiven him. Now when she thought about it though, it made her anxious. What if James wasn't paying attention again? What if he thinks the danger has passed, but it's actually lurking right behind him? James was Peter's replacement, but Remus was Mad Eye's because he was still in St. Mungo's after he'd been discovered on _his_ last tailing assignment.

Lily sighed and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to bring that up. I just worry, you know?" He nodded, shrugging it off even though she knew that her words were still smarting. He moved toward her, taking a few steps into the bedroom. He placed his hands on her shoulders and began to crouch down. "Please be careful," she whispered, her eyes pleading with him.

"I will," he said, before leaning in to kiss her goodbye. His kiss was light, but Lily was desperate. She reached up and grabbed his shirt and pulled him down harder toward herself. Her lips moved quickly against his, her kisses more frenzied with each passing moment. He was responding fiercely (this wasn't surprising though. Merlin knows the boy has absolutely zero will power when it comes to things like this) and pretty soon Lily wasn't pulling him down anymore because he was pressing down into her. One of his hands moved down around her waist while the other went down onto the mattress to support his body weight as they leaned back onto the bed.

She liked that even after two years together, she still got lightheaded when she felt his body pressed firmly against hers. His kisses, his mouth, his body, they were all familiar to her now, but he still drove her as crazy as he had in the beginning. Rather than their passion fading with time and familiarity (and again, she wasn't stupid. She knew that two years was hardly a _long_ time, but still...) it had grown. What had once been an inability to keep their hands to themselves had developed and grown into a deep intimacy.

He groaned softly when he felt her arch her back into him and slip her cold hands up the back of his shirt and onto his warm back, running over the strong muscles there. And then she felt his lips slow down and grin against hers. He pulled back from her slightly. She could still feel his heart pounding in rhythm with her own, his hips were still pressed against hers, but his lips had detached from her own and her body protested angrily. When he finally opened his eyes, their normally light hazel was dark and intense.

"Nice try..." he murmured with a grin before kissing her again quickly and then rolling off the top of her with a muted groan and sitting up. "I honestly wouldn't have expected you to try to bribe me with _that_..."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Lily sighed a bit breathlessly as she sat up next to him and leaned against his shoulder. "It almost worked though..."

James shook his head and looked over at her. "No, it didn't. I knew what you were doing the whole time. I was just indulging you." She couldn't help but grin at that blatant lie even though her stomach was slowly beginning to knot up again. James would be gone in a few moments. He'd be in danger and there was nothing that she could do to stop him from going or to protect him once he did. "You're not as tricky as you think you are, Evans."

She grinned as her maiden name slipped out of his mouth, more a term of endearment now than ever. "Don't call me that," she said softly.

James recognized his mistake and grinned back. "Sorry...old habits die hard."

She gazed at him for a few quiet seconds, trying to memorize everything about him in this moment. She knew that she wasn't supposed to think about it. She'd talked to other wives in the Order about how they dealt with moments like this and all of them had different suggestions. But not a single one of them had left out the fact that you should never let yourself think about it being the last time you'd ever see them again. But she couldn't help it. She hoped, _prayed_, that this wouldn't be the last time she ever saw James. Her heart clenched painfully and she could feel the sting of tears in the back of her throat.

"Be careful," she murmured quietly, leaving her head on his shoulder but her eyes gazing into his beseechingly.

He rolled his eyes and started to argue but she put a hand over his mouth to silence him.

"I mean it, James. I can't..." She took a big gulp of air and tried to calm herself down. "I need you to come back. I don't know what I'll do if I lose you. So be careful. Get in, do your job and then get out. Don't try to be brave. Don't get caught up in your own cleverness and try to figure out a way to make something you did sound more adventurous whenever you retell it to Sirius. Don't get distracted. Stay alert. Pay attention." She lowered her hand but he remained silent. "Promise me that you'll come home."

James nodded slowly. "I promise." Then he leaned forward and kissed her one more time. Briefly and gently. She savored it. Remembering the way he tasted, the warmth of his lips, the rough calluses of his hands against her cheek. When he pulled back, he was smirking. "And when I do get back, I fully expect us to pick up right where we left off," he said gesturing to the bed behind them.

Lily grinned as well. "Don't bring any of your stupid mates home, and we'll see about that." He grinned and stood up, but this time instead of remaining on the bed alone she stood up alongside him. She followed him out of the bedroom, down the hall and to the front door. He opened the door but turned in the frame to look at her one more time. "I love you," she whispered, trying to hold back the tears. She pushed up onto her tiptoes and kissed him one last time.

"I love you, too," he said before smiling at her. She watched through the window as he walked down the path and to the outside of their property line. He was there one minute, then she blinked and he had disapparated.

She sighed and stared at the spot she'd last seen him for as long as she could before she started to feel like she was going to go crazy. She turned and walked back to the bedroom, not conscious of the tears streaking down her face. She crawled into the middle of their bed and curled up with one of his pillows, breathing in his scent. She knew she would hardly move over the next four hours, waiting and wondering what was happening, what he was doing, if..._when_ he was coming home. She hated this part. She didn't think she would ever get used to it, knew that she would never like it. But it was a part of their life now, so she accepted it.

And with that in mind, she let her mind wander, trying to keep it off of James, but failing so often that she eventually stopped trying and instead started listening for the telltale unlocking of the front door that she knew was still hours off.


End file.
